Mortified.

mor·ti·fi·ca·tion Pronunciation [mawr-tuh-fi-key-shuhn]–noun

1. a feeling of humiliation or shame, as through some injury to one's pride or self-respect.
2. a cause or source of such humiliation or shame.
3. the practice of asceticism by penitential discipline to overcome desire for sin and to strengthen the will.

I have shared this with a few of you and just can't stop thinking about it! So, my son loves chap stick. He is just like his mom. I have this impulse to buy new kinds when I see them ALL THE TIME. I have a trillion. So he has been carrying one in his pocket and his beloved Mickey Mouse carries one in his pocket too.

I had been reluctant for him to take one to school, but Jon convinced me to just let him. So I did and sure enough he didn't come home with it. I was a little upset because it was a more 'expensive' one I bought at Central Market, but no big deal...

Then on Wednesday he comes out with it in his hands. The director of the school was right behind him and asked me if that was his chap stick...I said, 'Yes! He left it on Friday'. She gave me this glare and then sternly said, 'We were wondering whose that was.' She then turned around and walked away. I could understand for the life of me why she would have said it like that. All day I kept thinking about it...

Well, last night, I go and pick up the chap stick. I look at it and upon further detail, I notice the brand name is 'Dirty Girl'. ::insert shock face:: But it gets worse...see for yourself...take notice of the 'y' and 'G'.



So tonight we have a parent orientation and I'm faced with trying to explain my embarassment! Maybe I'll just send him to school on Friday with this one...



So...lesson learned. Stop being so compulsive about buying ANY new chapstick/gloss I find! And look closer at what I buy!!!! ;o)

My favorite NATRUAL/GREEN things.

So almost two years ago, I made a New Year's resolution to be more environmentally friendly and more aware of what surrounds my children. I'm not crazy granola, but I figure a little goes a long way. It actually makes me feel good to try to do little things and know I'm helping my children and the envrionment. Ok, in true top ten fashion, this is for Renee...sorry it took me so long.

10. My favorite vitamins. Nordic Berries. I am so happy little Jon loves to eat his vitamins. My picky boy needs all the extra help he can get!

TIP : You can find them cheaper online.




9. My favorite sunscreen. California Baby! This is really a great two in one! I love anything California Baby really, but this is a really good safe sunscreen and bug repellent.



8. My favorite bags. Envirosax. Stylish and cute! The thing I love about these is how you can pack them all back together so compactly. My car needs all the help it can get. You can find them here.



7. My favorite dishwasher detergent. Seventh Generation.

DISCLAIMER: being the OCD freak about germs I am, I cannot get rid of all my anti-bacterial chemical things. Sorry. I am a freak about raw meats, sick season etc. So I will use them when I need to. Again, not your crazy granola mom. ;o)



6. My favorite brand. Method.

Ok, ok, I know a lot of hard core GREEN Moms have issues with the ingredient Sodium Laureth Sulfates and DEA in *some* of their products, BUT I reiterate, I'm not hard core. I do what I can within our means and concentrate on my children. I do try to avoid triclosan hand washes, unless its all that's available.

I'm really in love with the new Method baby products that just came out in May. I love the way they smell!!! :o)



5. My favorite online toys. www.oompa.com

With the lead scares from China recently, I took inventory of my own toys! Especially since most toys end up in my babies mouth. I mean, who uses or even makes lead paint anymore!?!? So if you are looking for some unique cute toys and don't want to have to do the research...these people have done it for you. :o)



4. My favorite toddler cups. Foogo by Thermos.

BPA free and they keep your child's drink cold or warm for 12 hours!!! We tested them out at Disney in July! They are worth the cost hands down!



3. Ok, so this one isn't one I have done yet, BUT I plan to get started with this once I convince my neighbor to go in with me. It is an amazing concept and being the HUGE veggie lover I am, I am going to give it a shot. Its a coop here in Texas where you buy organic goods and support local farmers. You get a box of produce and it works out to be the same cost of NON organic produce at the store. I'll write a review of this after I take the plunge.

HERE is their website.



2. My favorite on the go hand sanitizer. Clean well.

This product kills 99.9% of germs using plant oils. All natural. Those scared of alcohol based sanitizers or other harsh chemicals for your children, this is an excellent substitute!



And my absolute favorite hands down GREEN thing to do is....Cloth diaper!

1. My favorite Diapers. Fuzzi Bunz.

Ok, I know the task sounds daunting, but it really isn't as bad as it seems. Sure its a little more laundry on top of the huge piles I already have, but I love love love the feel and look of cloth bums. ;o) I am so glad I took the plunge. HUGE shout out to Angela, my good friend who got me started. I think of how much waste we haven't generated and it makes me feel proud!





I encourage everyone to RECYCLE! You can recycle just about everything! From the plastic containers your strawberries come in to your finished plastic shampoo bottles. There is my crunchy post for the month.

Not my will but Thine

"Lead me to rest, give me the strength and direction I need"

It has been such a hard few weeks. I have good days and bad...I haven't been back to church yet. I tried yesterday and got all the way to church and just sat in my car and cried. I couldn't go inside. I'm not angry at God...I'm just so lost. Trying to understand God's will. I've been told everyone grieves differently, I don't know 'how' I'm grieving, only that I am and that I hurt and it's not going away. I've decided to at least try to find my way...I went and bought a few books on Loss and hope it will at the very least keep my mind from going crazy.

Thank you for your prayers and understanding through this all. I promise not to make my blog such a downer! I know some of you have truly reached out to me and I apologize for not even being able to write back, or call back or just say thank you. I just feel so blessed to be surrounded by such loving friends and family. I thank God daily for you all.

OK, to leave you with a happy smile...I came across this picture of us at Disney World here recently. I couldn't help but smile. When we were at Disney in December Cadi ADORED the characters...but not this time. She was absolutely terrified!

A weary vessel no more

I can't begin to thank everyone for all of the love I've felt through you during this difficult time. All the prayers, calls, cards, flowers, gifts, emails, text messages...even those who surprised me and came the whole way to the hill country to be by our side. I am continually amazed at the wonderful friends I've been so richly blessed with. I wish I could tell you personally what you mean to me, but I've been so confused almost I can't even think straight. Please know I do appreciate you all.

July, 19th 2008 will be a day I never forget. We were on vacation with my mother, sister, grandmother and cousin in Orlando. My Daddy had been admitted to the hospital a few days before. He'd been in and out of the hospital since his heart attack in February (due to his kidney disease). My mother asked him if he wanted her to come home and he insisted he was fine. She was there finishing a continuing education class for Dentistry. He insisted she needed to finish her class. A little after 3am on July 19th, I heard someone pounding and shaking at our hotel door. My heart raced as I jumped out of bed disoriented. My first thought was someone was trying to break in to hurt my family. I gripped the door tightly, began to cry and without fear tried to utter 'Please leave!'. Then I heard my mother's frantic voice. All she said was...'He's gone'. I fell to the floor and knew exactly what that meant. She left and we all just sat there. I was staring at Jon holding little Jon across the room trying to come to grips with reality. The strangest thing was my little Cadi Anna cried out in her sleep not 10 minutes before my Daddy was taken to heaven.

The hotel (Disney's Swan and Dolphin) were amazing. Within in minutes we had security there to help and bell hops to help us collect our things. They had 3 limos waiting at the front door to take us to the airport. They were wonderful.

The next few days were so much of a blur. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. So many unrealistic thoughts continue to go through my mind. I wanted to put him back together or figure out a way to make him whole and alive again. My mind was(and sometimes still does) truly trying to figure how it could be done. All those cliche things made me so angry, 'He's no longer hurting and in a better place' 'This is what God wanted', I didn't want to hear those things. Let me have that sin of being selfish and wanting my Daddy here. I am still so hurt and angry.

My father was such a wonderful man. He was so patient and loving. He was a cowboy born out of his time period. He was in love with the old west and often his wardrobe made us all blush. ;o) He loved his family, the ranch, his cows and most especially he loved God. I wish I could write into words how wonderful my father was. I will tell you before he retired and became a rancher he worked hard his whole life. He was in the army, then moved on to the secret service in the white house under President Nixon. He then moved to Texas where he met my mother to work for US Customs and his love of all things cowboy was born...

I have peace that my brother, whom my Daddy loved so much, was by his side when he passed. Its eerie how my brother and Dad would kid about breaking out of the hospital like it was a prison. My Dad would say he'd meet him behind the laundry at 3:00...oddly my father passed away at 2:58 am. I guess my brother was there to set him free...

I will miss my Daddy. I hope I can learn to be happy again...its so hard to explain these feelings inside. The last time I saw my Daddy he came up for Cadi's first birthday. I'll never forget watching him walk away and praying...So now I guess it's time for my cliche...Hug your Daddys or loved ones, make those calls or write those letters. Don't take a single day for granted because life can and does sneak up on you. And all those 'I should haves', 'I wish I would haves' truly do haunt you...

Here are a few pictures I wanted to share. I realize now, how few pictures I have of my Daddy when he was alive. :o(



Pictures with little Jon:









With Cadi Anna:



This one is so special. This is when my Daddy got out of the hospital from his heart attack and he just wanted to be near Cadi, so he laid on the ground to be close to her.



These are the few leading up to his funeral.

I wanted to erase this one because I hate my glasses, but felt it showed how much pain I had in my heart. My little boy took this of me at the airport on the way home. He kept telling me that it was alright.



My sister and I



My Daddy's last ride, in his ranching truck.



Graveside service at the ranch.



My Daddy was buried in a pine box...the way he wanted to, under an old oak tree on the land he loved the most. It was so sweet how all of his cows came to pay their respects...



And even sweeter how out of all the 300 acres my parents have, his cow came to lay beside him.



I love you Daddy...I miss you so much.