A weary vessel no more

I can't begin to thank everyone for all of the love I've felt through you during this difficult time. All the prayers, calls, cards, flowers, gifts, emails, text messages...even those who surprised me and came the whole way to the hill country to be by our side. I am continually amazed at the wonderful friends I've been so richly blessed with. I wish I could tell you personally what you mean to me, but I've been so confused almost I can't even think straight. Please know I do appreciate you all.

July, 19th 2008 will be a day I never forget. We were on vacation with my mother, sister, grandmother and cousin in Orlando. My Daddy had been admitted to the hospital a few days before. He'd been in and out of the hospital since his heart attack in February (due to his kidney disease). My mother asked him if he wanted her to come home and he insisted he was fine. She was there finishing a continuing education class for Dentistry. He insisted she needed to finish her class. A little after 3am on July 19th, I heard someone pounding and shaking at our hotel door. My heart raced as I jumped out of bed disoriented. My first thought was someone was trying to break in to hurt my family. I gripped the door tightly, began to cry and without fear tried to utter 'Please leave!'. Then I heard my mother's frantic voice. All she said was...'He's gone'. I fell to the floor and knew exactly what that meant. She left and we all just sat there. I was staring at Jon holding little Jon across the room trying to come to grips with reality. The strangest thing was my little Cadi Anna cried out in her sleep not 10 minutes before my Daddy was taken to heaven.

The hotel (Disney's Swan and Dolphin) were amazing. Within in minutes we had security there to help and bell hops to help us collect our things. They had 3 limos waiting at the front door to take us to the airport. They were wonderful.

The next few days were so much of a blur. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. So many unrealistic thoughts continue to go through my mind. I wanted to put him back together or figure out a way to make him whole and alive again. My mind was(and sometimes still does) truly trying to figure how it could be done. All those cliche things made me so angry, 'He's no longer hurting and in a better place' 'This is what God wanted', I didn't want to hear those things. Let me have that sin of being selfish and wanting my Daddy here. I am still so hurt and angry.

My father was such a wonderful man. He was so patient and loving. He was a cowboy born out of his time period. He was in love with the old west and often his wardrobe made us all blush. ;o) He loved his family, the ranch, his cows and most especially he loved God. I wish I could write into words how wonderful my father was. I will tell you before he retired and became a rancher he worked hard his whole life. He was in the army, then moved on to the secret service in the white house under President Nixon. He then moved to Texas where he met my mother to work for US Customs and his love of all things cowboy was born...

I have peace that my brother, whom my Daddy loved so much, was by his side when he passed. Its eerie how my brother and Dad would kid about breaking out of the hospital like it was a prison. My Dad would say he'd meet him behind the laundry at 3:00...oddly my father passed away at 2:58 am. I guess my brother was there to set him free...

I will miss my Daddy. I hope I can learn to be happy again...its so hard to explain these feelings inside. The last time I saw my Daddy he came up for Cadi's first birthday. I'll never forget watching him walk away and praying...So now I guess it's time for my cliche...Hug your Daddys or loved ones, make those calls or write those letters. Don't take a single day for granted because life can and does sneak up on you. And all those 'I should haves', 'I wish I would haves' truly do haunt you...

Here are a few pictures I wanted to share. I realize now, how few pictures I have of my Daddy when he was alive. :o(



Pictures with little Jon:









With Cadi Anna:



This one is so special. This is when my Daddy got out of the hospital from his heart attack and he just wanted to be near Cadi, so he laid on the ground to be close to her.



These are the few leading up to his funeral.

I wanted to erase this one because I hate my glasses, but felt it showed how much pain I had in my heart. My little boy took this of me at the airport on the way home. He kept telling me that it was alright.



My sister and I



My Daddy's last ride, in his ranching truck.



Graveside service at the ranch.



My Daddy was buried in a pine box...the way he wanted to, under an old oak tree on the land he loved the most. It was so sweet how all of his cows came to pay their respects...



And even sweeter how out of all the 300 acres my parents have, his cow came to lay beside him.



I love you Daddy...I miss you so much.

Whew! We've been busy!

And we are just going to get busier. Next week we leave for Disney World! Yes, yes, yes...crazy. Middle of July, peak park time, WHITE WHITE children, but I'm excited. We went this past December for Little Jon's birthday and he has not stopped talking about it. :o) The pure joy of a child can cure the world of anything-- especially watching it from a mother's eye view. ;o) Then the following week, my Dad's two sisters will be coming down for an extended visit. I'll be taking the kids back to the ranch through the end of the month to spend time with my Dad. For those of you who pray, I am begging for prayers for my Dad. He has been battling a kidney disease and its just taking a toll on him. I haven't been able to post about it or even talk about it because I cry and just feel like I'm in denial about it all. He started dialysis this past week and my heart just hurts to hear how poorly he is doing. So please, if you pray...pray for him. So I may not be able to blog again till we get back. (I know someone has been asking me to blog about my favorite 'green' things, I will *try* to get that together before we leave!)

So here are a few pictures to tide you over till I can... :o) So get ready for an OVERLOAD--I hope you are bored! (These may seem out of sequence, but I'm just going by date.)

Cadi loving her kitty.



Anyone remember the 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' game? This is a scene from that game. LOL! Just toss out a few cheerios in front of 3 toddlers. It cracks me up! :o)



Cadi's first slide experience.



Another good use for a blow up pool is a germ free ball pit! ;o)



This wasn't little Jon's first professional baseball game, but he doesn't remember the first. He loved it! Just sat in awe! A dear friend of mine gave me tickets for my birthday. If it wasn't so hot here, I'd consider season tix. Cadi didn't know what team to root for, she'd clap anytime anyone else did. It was hilarious! Sadly, Momma's Braves lost...but it was still a lot of fun.





The kids first cotton candy...Cadi wanted to DEVOUR it, but little Jon (of course) wasn't too sure...





Cadi and Alex LOVE the inside ball pit.



Addy wasn't as excited about it, but she rooted them on in the background. LOL!



ETA: A cut out of Addy in the back because it totally cracks me up!



Having lots of pillows around is a must with these daring babes! ;o)





Eating one of our favorite Sneaky Chef recipes...cocoa pancakes! SHHHH! Don't tell them there is spinach in it! ;o)







Addy is too classy to get messy with cocoa pancakes, but she sure has a cute smile!



Little Jon is my future musician.



Where I found Cadi...I swear I don't keep her in a cabinet. ;o)



And I realize I don't take many pics of my babies in their cribs...I'll miss that! So I took one yesterday after Cadi's nap...



Thanks for sharing our lives with us! Pray for us in this coming month as we travel and visit my Dad. We'll be back soon...

I've been tagged by my good pal Jana. Check out her blog:

http://www.janasthinkingplace.blogspot.com

Here are the rules:
*Link the person who tagged you.
*Mention the rules in your blog.
*Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
*Tag a new set of six following bloggers by linking them.

Ok. Here goes!

QUIRK ONE:



Everyone knows I'm pretty OCD. I see the world in germs. LOL! I never touch public door knobs-handles-you name it. I use my sleeve or arm and if I *have* to use my hand, I will wash it immediately.

QUIRK TWO:



I'm addicted to kitchen gadgets. I love Williams Sonoma and indulge when I can. I refuse to divulge my biggest expense there. YIKES! I am obsessed!

QUIRK THREE:



I cannot go to bed at night until the toys are neatly put away and the kitchen is immaculate. I don't care how tired I am, I just can't sleep until its done. There is something about waking up to a semi clean home.

QUIRK FOUR:



I'm obsessed with the French language. I will watch Baby Einstein in French to freshen up (LOL!) and own a huge library of French films. I bacame quite obsessed with the language and took night classes for 4 semesters. Jon's family lives in deep Louisiana where the news is still done in French. His grandparents speak it all the time. We've been to France several times and I just love it!

QUIRK FIVE:



Changing tables scare me. I wonder if there is a phobia with this name. Ever since Little Jon's bout with Rotavirus, I avoid them like the plague. I will walk all the way back to my car or throw out a blanet on the floor to change a dipe. My OCD is so bad I blame myself for him getting sick. :o( I carry my handy dandy purse sized Lysol into bathrooms now that he is potty trained. I'm telling you in the word's of Mr. Monk, 'It's a blessing and a curse'.

QUIRK SIX:



I can't drink tap water (without tons of lemons in a pinch). I've always bought distilled. My mother had kidney problems and so she had to drink distilled and so I always have too. I can't even put ice in it because it would contaminate the water. LOL!

That was hard! And you all probably think I'm weird now. LOL! This was for you Jana!

Happy Birthday Cadi Anna!

I can't believe it's been a year. It's so funny because at each moment of the day, I'd think back to what I was going through the day my children are born. I remember I slept with little Jon in his bed the night before and hugged him tight, knowing the next day would forever change our lives. I had so many mixed emotions. My little boy, whom I am so attached to, would never just have me to himself again...I laid there most of the night just watching him and scared. I'd never left him alone to be cared for by anyone else for more than a few hours. I got up and decided to get ready...we took one last picture.



We left for the hospital and once I was all hooked up and ready, I had this huge feeling of peace over come me. It was very eerie, I knew people were praying for me and I think God took over. It was so perfect and the second I saw her little face I knew that things would be just fine.







It's odd to hear people tell you that each child is different. You hear it, but you don't truly believe it. From the moment she was born, she was different. She didn't want me to hold her on my chest to sleep. I can remember trying so hard, but she just bobbed her little head on me until we would lay her down and she'd just go right to sleep. It felt almost 'wrong' not to rock her to sleep at night. I was so prepared to co-sleep again and then realized she just needed her space. From the time she was born, all I had to do was lay her down and walk away. Seriously...if all babies were so easy, I'd have TEN more! ;o)



My sweet Cadi is such an 'old soul'. Her spirit is so amazing and her smile can melt any sadness I have away. And the girl EATS! I can't tell you how that makes me feel after all the heartache I went through with her big brother. Cadi is so very special and God has blessed us this past year. I can't imagine life without her...and even if her little brother doesn't want to admit it...he can't either. :o)



So without further ado, here are some highlights from her birthday party! :o)



Not so sure about this...



Brother helps!



Thanks brother. :o)



Yeah, this birthday stuff isn't too bad!



Silly brother!





And a special thanks to Aunt Kristen for my special cake and outfit!







And to Auntie Amy for all her help!



And all my dear friends who shared this day with me. Thank you for your love and friendships.

Everyone Poops

On to lighter subject matters! Two whole posts in one day for me! Give me something to do hurry! ;o)

OK...so, I am that mother who is encouraging immaturity. Yes, yes I am. I can't help it. Maybe its being the Mom of a boy or maybe I'm just immature, but I'm telling you poop can be funny! I was given this book by a dear friend (Amy) for little Jon when we were potty training him last year. I can't help but belly laugh with little Jon every time we read it! I don't know if its the content or hearing him 'read' and say 'Everyone poops' but it is just funny!

Seriously, it just makes me laugh so hard! What's even funnier is listening to the grandparents read the book. haha! So for this book review, I give it two thumbs up, especially for potty training parents. ;o)

Crunchy hot topic--Vaccines

Since the day my little Jon was born, I question everything I put into my children's bodies. (I swear I'm not over the top--LOL!) I know I'm guilty of over researching. I've always preached, "Parent with your heart and not the 'suppose to'." But from the moment my children were conceived, I began to watch everything I put in my own body as theirs developed in mine. Let me start off by saying, I truly truly believe in the good vaccines have done. I cannot argue that we have wiped out many many crippling diseases. I DO vaccinate my children. I just do it on a delayed schedule...

So, why am I talking about this now? It's coming up on a year for my sweet girl to begin her vaccines. I have never been comfortable with vaccinating the moment they are born...something so pure and clean. I just want their bodies to develop a little before they start to get vaccinated. Our pediatrician doesn't seem to press the issue and told me that since they aren't in the high risk catagory (day care etc.) that it was ok. I just get scared when its time...I worry. I know there is no viable proof of autism being caused by a vaccine. I've read theories of it being genetics and maybe even just the 'window' of time the vaccine is given with the stage of development the child is at. I have a little cousin who is autistic so I've read so much on the issue. Each side has very reasonable arguments.

So I am a not anti-vaccine, more of a supporter of the Green our Vaccines campaign.



A campaign fighting for cleaner vaccines that are toxin free on a new shot schedule.

Since I have family and friends who are Autistic, raising awareness and education about this disorder are near and dear to my heart. It's beyond frustrating to see the number of kids diagnosed with Autism getting higher each year. It makes you wonder exactly what is causing these record high rates. It's also painful to think about the challenges these kids are forced to face.

You'll rarely see me post on 'hot topics' but I just had this on my heart since Cadi will start her vaccines soon. :o( Thanks for reading!